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To: bridge.carson@fandomhigh.net
From: xharris@ucsd.edu
Date: December 6th, 2002
Subject: Happy Birthday

Want some teenage girls for your birthday? Buffy's got a house-ful of possible future Slayers, and they're talking about sending the next batch to my place.

Which sounds like the opening to that movie with the all-redhead cheerleading squad that we totally didn't download which totally isn't still on my computer, but really not so much. First, they're all way too young except for the one random nineteen year old and she's a little busy coming on to Willow, and second, the porn soundtrack is in Buffy's voice and goes "Hi, Xander, please build a second bathroom in my basement, sorry somebody ate all the Alpha-Bits yes I know they were yours and hey could you make waffles and fix the sink while you're in the kitchen and oh by the way we're sending the new ones to you so if you ever want to have sex again you should probably have Faith check out that motel where she used to live and see if the room rate's gone up."

I paraphrase. And overshare. I do this because something's *after* all these girls, and if I can focus on bitching about the living conditions, I don't have to think too hard about how good it's been at getting to them. That thing that we thought it might be, but it wasn't, back when people were seeing ghosts and it turned out to be squishy-tentacle dude? It's that. The First Evil. It's killing all the girls who *could* be Slayers. Blew up the London HQ for the Watchers' Council, too.

Giles thinks it's so there won't be anybody left when it tries to take out Buffy and Faith. No replacement Slayers, nothing to stop it from...doing whatever the hell evil things actually want to do when they win. (Has anybody ever figured that out? Like la la la demons rule the earth, okay, and *then* what? It's not like most of them *do* anything except be evil. So they win and what, they get to be evil-ER?)

Okay, so I'm not really sending you girls for your birthday, though if I could, I would, because you're up there in the future where it's probably a hell of a lot safer for them even if you do have to fight off alien invasions. They're a little hard to take in packs sometimes, but they're good kids, and they're scared, and they've got reason to be. If all I can do to help right now is build Buffy a new shower, then I'll build a new shower, but it's frustrating and so I bitch to you because you're the best damn listener I know, though granted it's pretty easy to listen when you can't say anything back.

*Rereads* Wow, what an awesome birthday present. Except not. I could build *you* a new bathroom, but you wouldn't get a lot of use out of it from umptyteen years and a dimension away. Guess we could always hold it as a raincheck for if we ever meet up again, though? Coupon for one free shower, payable on demand!

love
Xander

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